Gwyneth Spreads Fake News


The Colonial Virus for Cats: Part 2

“Rinpoche, I really think you should stop panicking about the coronavirus. As far as I know, cats are not at risk of being infected with it. There’s certainly no need to isolate yourself and steal my toilet paper!”

“What about food, Daddi? Gwyneth says you should be stockpiling cans of cat food for me. What happens if we run out? I might starve!”

“We don’t need to stockpile cat food, Rinpoche. I made a bulk purchase of it recently when it was on special offer. We have enough tins to last several months.”

“But how do I know you won’t run out of your own food and eat mine? Humans do some very mean things in a crisis. What will I do then, Daddi? I think you should go to the shops immediately to buy more food for me! And what about paper towels and tissues? And paw sanitiser and pasta? Gwyneth says we need to stock up on all those things.”

“You don’t need any of the items you’ve mentioned. You’re a cat – not a human! Now stop worrying, and come here, my poor little stressed Rinpoche! Should I give you a tummy tickle?” 

“Only if you first wash your hands well with soap and water, Daddi – for at least twenty seconds!”

“I’ve done that… There, now! Are you feeling more cheerful?”

“I’m much better, Daddi! Besides, Gwyneth says I won’t get the Colonial virus if I drink something called bleach. Should I try that?” Twelve Days of Catmas -Day 9

“Definitely not!” 

“Gwyneth also told me about the Worcestershire conspiracy.”

“What Worcestershire conspiracy?”

“She says the Worcestershire cats deliberately introduced the Colonial Virus into Gloucestershire to make us sick.”

“Why would they do that? You’ve told me that many of them are also sick. Rinpoche, I really think you should stay away from Gwyneth.”

“Why, Daddi? Will she spread the Colonial virus?”

“No, but she’s spreading a lot of fake news.”

“I can’t see her anyway, Daddi. I’m in Quarrel Teen. But Gwyneth is definitely right about one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“She says Gloucestershire seems to be governing itself much better now that all the cat councils have closed down and the politicians are in isolation at home. We don’t miss them at all, Daddi. Quarrel Teen is a very good idea for such an argumentative bunch of idiots!”

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